The last few weeks I've been doing a lot of thinking. Reflecting, reliving, and going over things in my mind. Why? Because it's generally about this time of year that everything starts to wind down and I start to think OK what's next?
And what's next for us is kindergarten for our oldest, a 2 year old with separation issues adjusting to daycare without his big brother and welcoming a new baby in April.
Owen starts Kindergarten at the end of January and this is the thing I am least anxious about next year. Sure I'll be sad seeing him off for his first day at Kinder, but the kid is so excited and so ready for this next step that I am so excited for him rather than anxious as to how he is going to handle it.
Ethan is 2 and is the biggest Mummas boy. While he is wild and crazy and climbs everything and will run away from you in the shops at the drop of a hat, he is the cuddliest, sookiest boy too. And even going to daycare with his big brother hasn't stopped him crying every single time he gets dropped off. So adjusting to daycare without Owen could be interesting. I am a little anxious about that one and do worry about how he will go.
And then the big one... baby number 3. (Well hopefully it won't be too big... they come out quick for me so hopefully it will be nice and small!!)
But if you have read this previous post about finding out we were pregnant with baby number 3 you will know that in the beginning we weren't exactly thrilled. To be honest I was terrified, upset and felt robbed of the 6 months that I wanted to get ready for the next baby. But that's life right? And we do thank our lucky stars that I am able to fall pregnant so easily as I know that not everyone is so lucky.
Thankfully pregnancies are 10 months long (I never thought I would be glad for the length of a pregnancy) but it has given us time to adjust to the idea of having our 3rd baby sooner than we were ready for. A baby that is a blessing to our family.
In every meaning of the word, this baby is a blessing.
In February 2017 my husband Jeremy had a cardiac arrest. A perfectly healthy 31 year old who played footy on the weekends, barely drank alcohol or ate fast food, works as an electrical linesman so is physically fit to keep up with his job, went to a pre-season footy training session in the 37 degree heat and collapsed.
His team mates were so quick to action and commenced CPR and mouth to mouth on him within seconds of him collapsing. They also got the defibrillator on him and called the Ambulance.
As fate would have it an Ambulance was on route to another less severe job so was only 2 minutes down the road when they received the call to attend Jeremy.
Some team mates opened the gates so the ambulance could drive straight across the field to where he was laying and the Paramedics and Firemen got onto helping his footy mates.
These actions all played their part in saving his life, saving him from brain damage and a life far different to the one we are living now.
All I know is that Jeremy was just not meant to die that day. His heart was stopped for 28 minutes. It takes only 3 minutes for brain damage to occur when there is no oxygen to the brain during a cardiac arrest. Only 3 minutes. Jeremy's heart was stopped 9 times that long. We were also told that it took 9 shocks from the defibrillator to restart his heart to a normal rhythm. In the same breath we were told that usually it only takes 3 or 4. So we just didn't know what to expect when we saw him in the hospital.
The fact that his mates were brave enough to jump into action and smash down on his chest and give him mouth to mouth is the reason he still remembers who I am, the reason he still remembers his kids and even his own name.
Someone was looking over us that day. Someone made sure that Jeremy went to footy training so that he would be close to people who could help him and so close to an Ambulance that wouldn't take long to respond. Someone made sure that he didn't collapse like that in front of me and the kids. Someone made sure that he was seen within seconds of falling and that there were enough guys around him to help out and save his life.
Someone made sure that we would have more time to have our 3rd baby, because we nearly didn't get the chance.
So thank you Grandpa, for watching over us that day. For sending Jezz back to us after you'd given him a cuddle and had a quick beer with him.
Mentally recovering from this has taken time. I'm still sitting here with tears pouring down my face as I write about the details of that day and I look forward to the day I can think about it and not melt into a flood of tears.
So when I say that the past few years have been tough to get through, you can see I'm not exaggerating. 2015/2016 I was drowning in a Perinatal Anxiety and Depression fog, and now 2017 has been recovering from Jeremy's cardiac arrest, adjusting to him having a defibrillator implanted in his chest and having a 6 month ban from driving while it settled into his body.
I would love to say that I'm so excited to see what 2018 will bring us but to be honest I am still scared about being hit with another big thing that will just smash us backwards again. Terrified and anxious about it.
I would like 2018 to be CALM. I would like to be able to maintain my calm when the baby comes. Even through the haze of sleep deprivation, and cranky toddlers and newborn screams, I want to be able to maintain a calm mindset amidst the chaos around me. (This will be a long journey I have no doubt but I'm starting the year out determined.)
I would like no unnecessary hospital visits or extended stays for anyone I know. I would like to be able to work on my crochet and my blog in the snippits of time without putting too much undue pressure and stress on myself or my family.
I would like to enjoy the first 12 months of this baby's life, as I didn't enjoy much of Ethan's first 12 months.
I want to continue making and selling crochet items because it lights me up to see people using something I have made with my two hands.
I want to be able to teach other people how to crochet because I know how good the mental health benefits are.
I want to make and release my own original crochet patterns that help promote a sense of calm during precious Mum-time.
And I want to continue to share my journey and how I use crochet and crafting as my self-care tool to bring me back to CALM when life gets chaotic.
CALM is my one little word for 2018. I will meditate on it, I will study its meanings and different practices to promote calm in my mind and body and I will manifest it into my life.
May 2018 bring me and my family CALM.
What are you hoping 2018 will bring you and your loved ones?
Holidays? Businesses? Little people?